I’m having a midlife crisis about having a midlife crisis. Here I am more than a year into my forties and I haven’t even gotten started. That’s assuming I live to be eighty. If I only make it to sixty, then midlife started ten years ago. I am so behind already.
My biggest problem is that none of the traditional midlife crisis strategies work for me. The classic guy having a midlife crisis gets a girlfriend, a sports car, maybe a bad boy tattoo or piercing, works out like crazy and starts dressing like a teen-ager.
Okay for starters, I already have a girlfriend. I married her seventeen years ago and I’m crazy in love with her. So that’s out. I can’t afford a sports car, although I did just buy a used minivan. Does that count? Tattoos and piercings are no good either. I have a thing about needles. As far as working out goes, I’m pretty good at bench pressing Krispy Kremes, which also means that skinny jeans and other form-fitting teen styles are out of the question.