Midlife Crisis


I’m having a midlife crisis about having a midlife crisis.  Here I am more than a year into my forties and I haven’t even gotten started.  That’s assuming I live to be eighty.  If I only make it to sixty, then midlife started ten years ago.  I am so behind already.

My biggest problem is that none of the traditional midlife crisis strategies work for me.  The classic guy having a midlife crisis gets a girlfriend, a sports car, maybe a bad boy tattoo or piercing, works out like crazy and starts dressing like a teen-ager.

Okay for starters, I already have a girlfriend.  I married her seventeen years ago and I’m crazy in love with her.  So that’s out.  I can’t afford a sports car, although I did just buy a used minivan.  Does that count?  Tattoos and piercings are no good either.  I have a thing about needles.  As far as working out goes, I’m pretty good at bench pressing Krispy Kremes, which also means that skinny jeans and other form-fitting teen styles are out of the question.

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