Love Seat


My wife has wanted Adirondack chairs for as long as I can remember, but we could never afford the fancy wooden ones.   When I spotted a couple of cheap plastic chairs on sale at Home Depot last week I decided to surprise her.  I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face.

I sneaked them into the yard, went in the house and dragged her out back for the big reveal.  It was like those car commercials you see around Christmas where the guy leads his wife into the driveway and unveils the new Lexus with a big, red bow on it.  She usually gasps, screams, hugs him, that sort of thing.  I didn’t have a red bow for the chairs, but thought it would go down pretty much the same way.

“Aw, that’s sweet,” she said, but she said it like a mom whose kids just served her burnt toast for Mother’s Day.  “I really appreciate it.”

I could tell a “but” was coming.

“But . . . I just don’t think brown is going to work back there,” she explained.  How could brown not work?  We had dirt, mulch and a wooden play-set.  Plenty of brown.
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Horsing Around

horseLast week I took my daughter horseback riding in the Smoky Mountains.  Despite my rugged Marlboro Man-like appearance, I had never actually been on horse a day in my life.  But how hard could it be, I thought.  They stick six-year-old little girls on these things and cut them loose in the forest.  For a wild frontiersman like myself, this would be a piece of cake.

When I met my horse, Miko, however, I suspected I might have some issues.  All the other horses were ignoring their riders.  Miko kept trying to eat me.  He could smell the granola bar in my pocket and didn’t know how to take no for answer.  By the time we actually started our ride, my clothes were soaked in horse slobbers.

Jessie, our trail boss, walked us through a few basic instructions before we left.  If the horse stops on the trail, give it a kick.  Need to go right?  Pull the reins right.  Want to go left?  Pull left.   If it goes too fast, yank back on the reins, but if you keep yanking, it will go in reverse and will run you off a cliff and kill you.

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Surprise Party


I love surprise parties because it’s the one time in our culture when it’s socially acceptable to lie to your friends.  As long it keeps the subject of the party in the dark, anything goes.

“No, Jim, I can’t go out to dinner on your birthday, I have um, surgery . . . on my, uh, gizzard.  Yeah, that’s it.  Gizzard surgery.”

The whole process is also helpful because it reveals which of the people in your life are the best liars.  This tells you who to watch out for in the future.   Some of the sweetest, most innocent people I know have displayed skills of deception that are downright disturbing.

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