Poker Face

Poker Chips

I’m not much of a card player but I do think I’d be awesome on one of those poker TV shows.  Why?  Because I think the whole stoic poker face strategy is way overrated.  As for me, I would do just the opposite.  I would totally mess with my opponents’ heads by being as expressive and annoying as possible.  Let me explain.

I would start by humming Kenny Rogers songs.  This would subtly convince the other players that I am indeed a professional gambler.  Then, whenever I got a new card, I would say things like: “cha-ching,” “holy cow,” “YES!” or “Why me, God, why?”

Next, as the tournament heated up, I’d ramp up my game with some of the following techniques:  Pick up my cell phone, call a lawyer and begin bankruptcy procedures.  Sing the Hallelujah chorus at the top of my lungs.  Hop on the table and do the “running man.”  Weep uncontrollably.

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Does Jesus Do Cannonballs?

Superman had Lex Luthor.  Batman had the Joker.  Holmes had Moriarty.   And me?  I had the high school life guards at the public swimming pool.  Though their names and faces changed over time, they were my elementary school arch-enemies, my nemeses, my thorns in the flesh, every last one of them.   They solely existed to ruin my fun and humiliate me in front of my friends.   

Not that I’m bitter.

Sometimes, though, I still wake up in a cold sweat, imagining I’ve heard their whistles and fascist voices barking orders in the middle of the night.  No running!  No cannonballs!  No diving into the baby pool!  No breathing!    

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Stuck On Grace

The summer after my freshman year in high school I stuck a suction cup to my forehead and couldn’t get it off.  It came from one of those Nerf basketball goals, the kind you’re supposed to stick to a window. After awhile, though, windows lose their magic.   Don’t ask me why I stuck it to my forehead.  It’s a long a story about a unicorn and the circus that wouldn’t seem nearly as funny now as it did then. 

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